Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Randomize
