I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
