god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
