our cab driver is having phone sex.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
