put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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