i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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