Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
