New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
