these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
