I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
