God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
