Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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