he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
