thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
