eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
smell my finger.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
