why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
