I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
