She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
