Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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