Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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