don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
