I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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