Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
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I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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