Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
