anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
