Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
