Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
