If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
