My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
