It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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