saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
