I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
