boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
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You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
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I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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