i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
