Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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