Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize