Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
