i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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