how can u be prego again
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
