May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?