You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
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My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
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Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol