There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂