My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Randomize
