you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Randomize
