If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
