She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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