I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Randomize
