Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
ok first of all what the fuck
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
