Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
