i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
