The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
