Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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