Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
