im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
