just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
