After last night, I could never be a politician.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
