How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
