Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
