I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
