My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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